You can call me Mr Croup.
- Andyou can call my... - Brother.
...associate Mr Va ndema r.
You may have had nightmares about us.
We are currently executing a commission in London Below,
that city of the lost and forgotten
that exists, as it were, contemporaneously with the other London of the same name.
There's a girl called Door, and she's on her way to see an angel.
And there's the Marquis de Carabas,
and he came to see us. Always a mistake.
You are, I understand, Mr Croup, a collector of Tang dynasty figurines.
How did you know that?
People tell me things.
I'm approachable.
Even if I were...
If you were, you might be interested...in this.
Ah-h-h!
What's to stop us taking it
and leaving little bits of you all over the Underside?
We've never dismembered a marquis before.
I have. In York in the 14th century, in the rain.
He wasn't a marquis, he was the Earl of Exeter.
And Marquis of Westmorland.
What's to stop us hacking you
into as many pieces as we hacked the Marquis of Westmorland?
Oh, please, no more silly threats.
I think I'd feel better if you were both sitting down.
Name your price.
This wine...
...it is the last bottle of its kind.
I was given a dozen bottles by one of your ancestors.
This was, er, 30...40,000 years ago.
I suppose that you could accuse me
of squandering something that I should treasure...
...but I receive guests so rarely and the way here is hard.
The Angelus.
You travelled here using the Angelus, yes,
but that way only works once for each traveller.
Drink it carefully. It's most potent.
When one tastes it,
I like to imagine that one is actually tasting the sunlight of bygone days.
A toast...
...to former glories.
Wow.
It's magical.
I've never tasted anything like it.
You never will again.
There is no more wine from Atlantis.
You really claim to be an angel?
I mean, you've actually... met God and everything?
Iclaim nothing, Richard. ButI am an angel.
You honour us.
No.
You do me much honour by coming here.
Your father was a friend to me, Door.
I was deeply saddened by his death.
My father told me to come and talk to you. He said I could trust you.
Lady...
...I hear many things here in my chambers.
They say you were travelling with the Marquis de Carabas.
Yes. Why?
The Marquis has a certain reputation, but if you trust...
I do trust him.
Your prerogative.
I'll trade it...
...for the answer to a question...
...and an hour's head start.
(FROG CROAKS)
Who are you working for?
Simple.
Our principal, who wishes to remain nameless.
Very helpful.
So why didn't you kill Door when you had a chance?
Got to keep her alive. She's the only one who can open the door.
That's right, tell him everything...!
Iwanted a go.
And who isyour principal?
Ah-ah, now we're getting greedy.
I hope I can be worthy of your father's trust.
Mr Islington...
Sir, my family were killed
by Croup and Vandemar.
But...who ordered it?
I-I want to know why.
I know what pain is...
...and loss.
I sympathise.
London Below is the second city that I've cared for.
The first sank beneath the waves,
and there was nothing that I could do to prevent it.
I wish there was some way that I could help you.
It will not be simple,
and you and your companions will face certain difficulties,
but there is a way to learn,
a key to solve all problems,
even yours, Richard.
You must bring me that key.
And you can use it to find out who killed my family?
I hope so.
An hour's head start, remember.
Of course.
0h, fine. Fine!
Tang dynasty indeed, 1,200 years old.
The finest pottery figurines ever made on this earth.
This was created by Qi Lung, finest of potters.
There is not a twin to it in existence.
Just examine the colour of the glaze,
the sense of proportion, the life.
It adds a little beauty and wonder to the world.
(CRUNCHES)
This will keep you safe on the last part of yourjourney back to me.
The rest is up to you.
What do you want us to do?
The Black Friars are custodians of the key.
Bring it to me.
Bring it to me...
(GROWLING)
(BANG)
(GROWLING)
(CRIES OUT)
I don't know what you drank, but it must have been potent.
No wonder Atlantis sank...
...if they all felt like this in the morning.
It must have been a relief!
Where are we?
In the stables of a friend.
Oh...
Temple and Arch... Am I dead?
No.
That's Serpentine's crest.
Serpentine of the Seven Sisters. We have to run!
And do you think you can enter Serpentine's house
without Serpentine knowing, child?
Do not worry.
Hunter worked for me long ago.
Her friends are my friends, child.
0h, you've kept your looks better than I, Hunter.
MR CROUP: How long did we say we '0’ give him?
VAN DEMAR: An hour.
MR CROU P: You follow him, Mr Vandemar.
I need a little more time in which to...
...sa vour the occasion.
(SNIFFS)
Is it an hour yet?
You find this funny, Monsieur Marquis, do you not?
A source of amusement, is that not so,
with our pretty clothes and our convoluted circumlocutions?
I haven't got a circumlo...
And our little sillinesses of manner and behaviour? And perhaps we are funny.
But you must never imagine thatjust because something is funny,
Monsieur Marquis...
...it is not also dangerous.
Circumlocution - a way of speaking around something.
A digression. Verbosity.
I wondered.
Your hero is unable to hold his wine, I see.
He's not my hero.
I'm afraid he is.
Oh, you learn to recognise the type.
There's, er, something in the eyes, perhaps.
(GLASS SMASHES)
Bring a restorative for the gentleman.
When I last saw your father, Itold him that if he ever came back here,
I'd turn him into a blindworm.
All that foolishness about uniting the Underside!
(CHUCKLES) How is your father?
Dead.
See?
You're beast-hunting, then.
You'll want the spear, of course.
What are you giving him?
Nothing that will hurt him. You are guests.
(SNIFFING AND GRUNTING)
He's in trouble, the Marquis.
He's in bad trouble.
- Has he come round yet? - (LOUD WHIRRING)
- No, Mr Croup. Ithink I've broke him. - (WHIRRING STOPS)
You must be more careful with your toys, Mr Vandemar.
There.
I've had my fill of hospitality.
Hunter, my dear, you are always welcome here.
Child, young man, good day.
Well...
...that was Serpentine, eh?
She seems nice enough.
When they want to make children behave themselves in the Underside,
they tell them, "Behave, or Serpentine will get you."
What is it, Hunter?
What is what?
What is it you want?
I fought in the sewers beneath New York...
...with the great, blind white alligator king.
He was 30 feet long, fat with sewage
and fierce in battle.
And I bested and I killed him.
His eyes were like huge pearls in the darkness.
I fought the bear that stalked the city beneath Berlin.
He had killed a thousand men,
and his claws were stained brown and black
with the dried blood of a hundred years.
But he fell to me.
He whispered words in a human tongue as he died.
And I shall slay the beast of London.
They say his hide bristles
with swords and spears and knives
stuck in him by those who have tried and failed.
His tusks are razors...
...and his hooves are thunderbolts.
I will kill him.
Or I will die in the attempt.
- Up a little. - (ROPES CREAK)
- Left a little. - (ROPES CREAK)
There.
Lovely!
Naughty.
What is this?!
Peasouper. A London particular.
Hasn't been one in the Upworld for 40 years now.
(RICHARD COUGHS)
That doesn't sound good!
Fog in my throat.
Not again!
There are little bubbles of old time in London
where things and places stay the same,
like...bubbles in amber.
There's a lot of time in London, and it has to go somewhere.
It doesn't all get used up at once.
I may still be hung over, but that almost made sense!
- (DOOR CHUCKLES) - Ohhh, this is disgusting.
Hold fast. State your intentions.
We're here for a key.
Enough.
You may come forward.
I turn my head and you may go where you want.
I turn it again and you will stay till you rot.
I have no face, butI live or die by my crooked teeth.
Who am I?
I turn my head, crooked teeth, go where you...
A key! You're a key.
A wise one.
That's two steps taken. One more to take.
(WOODEN DOOR CREAKS)
So one of them is left to face the Ordeal of the Key.
DOOR: Oh, no.
Ordeal? Someone's got an ordeal waiting for them.
Let him or her stand forward now.
Let me take his place. I will face the ordeal.
We cannot permit that.
This ordeal of yours,
how much of an ordeal is it?
Is this the kind of ordeal
like going to visit a rather elderly, ill-tempered female relative is an ordeal?
Or is this kind of ordeal more like a...
...more like a...plunging-your-hand- into-scalding-hot-water-
to-see-how-fast-it-ta kes-off-the-skin sort of ordeal?
We're looking for a key.
Yes.
It's for an angel.
Yes.
Well, you can't say no to an angel!
Especially a man of the cloth like yourself.
Look, why don't you just
skip the ordeal bit? You just hand the key over and I'll...
...I'll tell them that we ordealed.
When our order was founded, we were entrusted with the key.
It is one of the holiest, the most powerful of all sacred relics.
We must pass it on, but only to the one who...
...who survives the ordeal.
And if I fail, can I come back later for a second go?
Not really, my son.
If that should happen, you will, in all probability be, er...
...well... (LAUGHS)
...be uncaring.
This is our wall of those who failed...
...to ensure that they are none of them forgotten.
That is our burden also.
Memorial.
The first part of the Ordeal of the Key...
...is the nice cup of tea.
Do you take sugar?
Er...no...thank you.
Is it poisoned?
Good gracious, no.
But this is part of the ordeal?
Part of the ordeal for us...
...not for you.
Ah! Rather nice tea, all things considered.
Would you mind if we...er, just...
...got on with the ordeal, please?
Not at all. Not at all!
Well...lead on, Macduff.
Best of luck.
It's "Lay on, Macduff," actually, but I hadn't the heart to correct him.
He seemed such a nice young man.
(TUBE TRAIN RUMBLES IN THE DISTANCE)
Don't get too near to him, Melanie.
Why do people like that stay alive, Mummy?
- Not enough guts to end it all. - Pathetic.
Jesus!
Hiya, Dick! You all right?
Gary. You know who I am?
- You always were a kidder! - What's happening?
I'm not sure how to tell you this. A bit awkward.
- What's happening? - I'm not really here.
- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not.
- No, I’m not. - Yes, you are.
No, I'm you talking to yourself.
- Gary... - Maybe...
- Gary... - ...this will...
You're standing at Blackfriars station at rush hour...
...and you're talking to yourself.
And you know what they say about people who talk to themselves.
I don't know who you are,
but you're not very convincing.
You don't even look like me.
I am you, Richard.
I'm whatever's left of your mind.
- Hi. - Concentrate!
- I'm Gary... - Look at this place.
- ...Perunu. - Try and see the people.
- I'm... - Sorry.
Try and see the truth.
Is this some kind of a joke?
Try and see the people.
- Are you...? - Gary Perunu.
Richard?
jess!
I'm afraid not.
I'm still you.
But you have to listen, darling.
You're the closest to reality you've been.
You people keep talking about the closest to reality...
...the closest to sanity.
# I couldn't leave her.... #
- Is this part of the ordeal? - Ordeal?
# ...if I tried. #
With the Black Friars, who live under London.
There's a key I've got to get for this... angel called Islington.
- Be right with you. - Listen to yourself, Richard!
# I'm a believer. #
Can't you tell how ridiculous all this sounds?
You're not going through an ordeal, Richard.
You had some kind of nervous breakdown
a week ago. Cracked up utterly.
I broke off our engagement.
Can I help you?
- You've been acting so... - I'm not here.
...strangely. It was like you were a different person. I...
- ...I couldn't cope. - I'm warning...
Then you vanished.
I wandered alone and crazy through the streets of London,
sleeping under bridges...
- I'm not here. - ...eating food from bins and skips...
I'm not here.
- Shh! - ...shivering
- ...and lost... - Richard Oliver Mayhew!
- ...and alone... - What?!
...muttering to myself,
talking to people who just weren't there.
(MAN LAUGHS)
- jessica, Richard. - I'm so sorry, Richard.
- Shit! - Sorry.
- Can I help you? - Richard, what are you doing?
Sorry, Richard. Sorry...
No!
(RICHARD LAUGHS RUEFULLY)
Hello.
Oh, you still want someone to tell you what to do? Richard, I'm you!
The only advice I can give you
is what you're telling yourself. Only, maybe you're too scared to listen.
- You are not me. - Touch me.
(LAUGHING) See? I'm not here!
And all there is is you, talking to yourself,
walking up and down the platform...
...trying to get up the courage...
Trying to get up the courage to do...what?
PA SYSTEM: london Transport would like to apologise for the delay.
This is due to an incident at Blackfriars station.
Richard, your life was a joyless, loveless, empty sham.
You'd got no friends.
I've got you.
I think you're a tosser.
I've got Door.
And Hunter. I've got Anasthesia.
More imaginary friends!
(LAUGHS) We all used to laugh at you round the office with those trolls.
Do you remember them on your desk?
(SOBS)
(TUBE TRAIN APPROACHING)
No!
JESSICA: Richard!
Come on, Richard.
- Come on. -Jessica!
- Yes! Help me!
Come on.
Richard!
Hold on.
Hold on! Hold on.
VOICES ECHO: Hold on! Hold on!
Hold on!
No!
Take the body, Brother Fuliginous.
- But, Father... - What is it?
He's not dead.
0h. One of those, eh?
Ah, well, we'll look after the poor creature
until it passes on to its ultimate reward.
Lead it to the infirmary.
I am not a "poor creature".
I think I got through it!
Unless this is more of the ordeal.
No, my son.
I think I'll have that cup of tea now, if you don't mind.
Of course. This way.
Excuse me, sir.
Don't forget your key.
Oh, yes. Thanks.
By my crooked teeth!
Who am I?
Richard!
We've lost the key.
God help us all.
Mr Croup, I want the girl called Door kept safe on herjourney back to me.
Nothing must hurt her.
Safe?
Right.
And by the by, do you recall the Marquis de Carabas?
Of course.
Itake it there is no such similar prohibition on...extirpating him?
Not any longer.
Just protect the girl.
What did he say, Mr Croup?
He said, Mr Vandemar,
that we should feel free to do whatsoever we wished with the Marquis.
Did that include killing him painfully?
Yes, Mr Vandemar.
I think, on reflection, that it did.
That's good, Mr Croup. Wouldn't like another telling-off.
Better get rid of the body, then.